happiness.

i dont know what happiness is anymore. one moment ive never happier, satisfied. and one moment nothing seems to even bring a grin to my face. i dont know what i want anymore, and everything that i already have just doesnt make me happy. all of a sudden this time of year is just still the hardest time. i dont care about him anymore, but i cant get over how much it hurt. everything he did still hurts. i dont want it anymore. i dont want that to happen to me again. now that time is getting closer i dont want to feel alone again. i may seem like a brat but for the past 2 days i feel like its taken me back to that place. to where ive was so lonely, that no one wanted me. i cant do it again. i dont want to be stuck in that same place and be that same person. i guess he did this to me and i guess this is what i meant when i said i would never forget him. because he gave me a deep scar that i will never forget.

and when you kno things are done and over with, then its just done.

where has the time gone?

within the past 2 months my life has gone through the unimaginable to every extreme. kienan and i have gone through so much and sometimes i cant believe that we are still together after it all. waiting for feb 6th was the worst and most dramatic time of my life. ill never forget it. tomorrow is his court date and im very nervous for him. dui and 2 felonies? while i got a procedure done. i feel like im getting older by the minute. ah 2007 where will you take me?

where i am now, and where i'm going.

a couple days till christmas and i'm not exactly in the spirit. i'm not upset or anything, i guess the older you get the less exciting christmas becomes. 2006 where has it gone. i spent half the year with someone i probably never should have gotten involved with. a fourth of the year single and the rest with someone i actually love. hmmm what a year it has been. its crazy how life is completely unpredictable. i never thought in a million years that i would be in the shoes i'm in now. with someone i wanted for so long and being utterly happy with my life. yes im going to admit we have our bad times but the point is that we get through them. anyways i've gone through the worse to get to the good. what else? i went to Africa. which happens to be my most memorable trip by far. safari's, culture, and appreciation. ive been in school almost all year. and worked through most of it. which reminds me i need to learn how to save my checks. yes please. ive had 2 jobs this year, AE and Lavande Nail Spa. ive been living on my own for half the year and had 2 different roommates. hmm i guess this year everything can to me in two's. next year...

i want to be professional, more mature, intellectual. i guess that would be my new years resolution. and by the way. i believe i accomplished my goal this year. i am a more passionate lover. =)

it feels just like before.

you know when you have a get instinct that something isnt right, when you know that you will get hurt in the end you just dont know how and when. yea its happenings again. somewhere in me still believes he loves her. that deep down he thinks about her and if maybe she wasnt in san diego they would still be together. ah why do i always get myself hurt. esp with the people i want the most. he always talks about her, he doesnt even know it. its funny cause he says he doesnt want to talk to her but he gets excited when she does, does it really take that long to text someone. i mean i was laying right there. he held me as he texted her back he thought about her as i laid right next to him. he loved her. i believe he still does.

who knew.

geez to be honest i cant remember the last time i posted. hmm 2 months later and here i am in love and never been happier. its weird, i began the summer heartbroken and a couple months later the one person that i wanted but could never have is now mine. i remember last year i had a huge huge crush on him, i mean when i first saw him i made it a mission to get to know him, until i met matt then that mission was delayed. but its weird, i never thought in a million years i would be in the relationship that i am in now. with someone who feels the same way as i do, with someone is good for me. it creeps me out how much i love him and care for him. its funny, i knew it all along i would end up with him when i first saw him. i didnt know when but i knew it would eventually come. its like i feel in love at first sight. i dont know maybe im going to far, but its all too weird for me. but its definately a good feeling. hm we'll see right? we've been together for 2 n half months and i feels like we've together forever. i dont know if thats a good thing or bad but its so different. its like ive been waiting for this to happen. ahh creepy stuff. who knew huh? i guess i did all this time. i knew it. =)

secrets.

its weird how things work out. im dating my secret lover and it seems as though everything with him needs to be kept a secret. there are so many things that need to be kept hidden. i dont know. so far, everything is good. i dont want to jinx anything. enough said.

numb.

i dont know what to say anymore. for once i am lost for words of how i feel and what i want to do. i guess its cause i dont know what i want. im numb. to be honest, i just want to be okie.