is this the end?

once again i have made a mistake with whom i am intimate with. i liked matt a lot. i mean a lot. not love but cared for, infatuated. i thought he did too until he made obsurd assumptions of my decisions. i wanted to be with him, i wanted things to work out. but now i know that things happened for the wrong reasons, i made a mistake. although things are rough i still believe that i met him and fell for him for a reason. theres a reason for everything, i just dont know what it is with him. what is my fate? does it end up being with matt? doubt with possibility. another failed relationship, except this is was bound to end soon. theres a lot of things i regret with matt, but a lot of things that i cherished. i dont know what will happen between the both of us, however i still, unfortunately, believe there is hope. hope that things will turn around. that we will be able to start over. maybe not soon but eventually. maybe years from now i will see him blindly walking down the streets of my neighborhood looking for hope that love exists between us. but of course this is nothing but a fantasy that i dream of endlessly. maybe that was my mistake, i wanted him to be my fantasy, someone to take me away from reality and give me what my mind and dreams ponder night and day.

but the truth is that he does not care for me, he does not want me. if he did things would not be the way it is. if he did i would not be feeling this pain, i would not have to be waiting. unless, he was exactly like me, waiting in the same pain for that significant other to call and say that he cared. how pride can get in the way of relationships. this is a clear reason why "it" is not love. why "it" is all over. it was never anything to be begin with. just hope attatched to a fantasy that would never happen. it was a dream that would never come alive. i just wished that he never played along in my fantasy. he didnt have to be so nice, charming, comforting. he should have left before it got worse. he should never have held me. came home with him. slept in my bed. gave me his hand, he should never have given himself to me. he never should've been there. o God i wished things werent the same. where would i have been? did he save me from the life i was about to live? or did he keep me from it? i just want my questions to be answered. i want to be okie. i want to be myself.